my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
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All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
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Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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