last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
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I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
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Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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