Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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