I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
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I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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