I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I just gargled with NyQuil
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize