Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
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apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
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Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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