I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
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He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
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Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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