i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
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why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
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I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
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