if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
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Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
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I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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