So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I can feel your judgement through the phone
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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