TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
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DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
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He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
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