Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
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Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
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I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
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