he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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