you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
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Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
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I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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