It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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