I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
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On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
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I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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