Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
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Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
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You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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