I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
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I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
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Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
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