Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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