I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
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Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
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My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
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