they said they heard you say put it in my butt
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
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My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
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In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
It's rum buckets o'clock
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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