I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
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don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
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If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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