got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
His nipple licking is glorious
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