Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
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I queefed so loud it echoed.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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