Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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