did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
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Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
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