Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize