I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
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I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
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i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
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