Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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