a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
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I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
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When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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