My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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