I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
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