I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
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In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
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I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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