Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
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Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
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Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize