Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
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