I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
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You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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