Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Everyone says I win the strip club
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Randomize