...so i touched it.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
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if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
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My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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