if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
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Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
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Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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