you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
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I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
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Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
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