my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize