He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
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Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
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Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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