Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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