Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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