I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
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The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
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He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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