I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
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