my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
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Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
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I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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