do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
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He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
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I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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