I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
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My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
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Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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