I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
We need to get me chipped asap
Randomize